Bonding With Your Kids Through Listening
The goal of listening to your child is to better understand their perspectives and unique experiences.
Listening sounds like the easiest thing to do as a parent. However, you’d be surprised just how little talking is involved in listening.
If your child has ever accused you of not listening to them, what they’re really saying is you don’t understand their perspectives, feelings, goals, etc. And we come to understand these things through listening.
If you want to create stronger bonds with your children, here are some common roadblocks to listening and how to overcome them.
1: Self-Care
Self-care has become a buzzword, but if you are not caring for your basic needs, you will not be a good listener. When it’s time to listen to your child, take a second to check in with yourself: are you hungry, tired, angry, sleepy, thirsty, or need to use the restroom? If you find that there is something you need to take care of, address before trying to listen to your child. Explain to them that what they have to say is important to you, but you need to attend to something first. Get back together in 15 minutes so you can fix the issue first and then give your child your full attention.
2: Judgement
If you are judging your child, you are not listening to them. Judgement usually stems from two things:
The Problem Is Too Similar To Your Own Issues: When someone’s issues are similar to our own, we tend to discharge our own feelings about our own experiences onto that person. We do this when we say “I would never do that” or “What were they thinking?” This discharge leads to judgment. However, when trying to listen to your child, it’s important to remember that their problem is not about you. The goal of listening is to understand your child’s feelings and experiences from their point of view.
You’re Not Fully Processing The Problem: You’ll know you’re not processing the issue well if you’re unwilling to sit with your child’s emotions. Sometimes it’s easier to judge your child rather than feel their feelings with them. Feelings can be overwhelming and uncomfortable. And most of us were not taught healthy ways to deal with emotions. But again, if you’re judging your child, you’re not listening to them.
One of the best ways to combat judgement is to get curious. Get curious about what your child is feeling and why they’re behaving the way they are. Also get curious about yourself. Why are you feeling this way? Why are you judging your child? What emotions are coming up for you as you listen to your child?
3: Blame
Similar to judgement, blame is something we do to discharge our feelings of discomfort onto others. It gives us a sense of control over the situation and our uncomfortable feelings. Blaming is especially corrosive for relationships because it prevents empathy.
In order to stop blaming, we need to practice accountability. Accountability is a very vulnerable thing to do because it requires us to confront others’ actions rather than blaming them behind closed doors. In order to hold others accountable, we need to use healthy conflict resolution skills and set important boundaries. It may feel scary or uncomfortable, but accountability is how we stop blaming others, especially our children.
4: Giving Advice or Opinions
Sharing your opinions or giving advice is not the same as listening to your child. It is not your job to fix their problems. Which feels backwards because you’re their parent.
It is your job to listen. Stay engaged with the conversation by maintaining eye contact, nodding, reflecting content back to your child, and asking nonjudgmental questions. But avoid sharing your opinions and advice.
Trying to find solutions prevents you from listening and learning your child’s perspectives. Sometimes what may be the biggest concern for you is not what is the biggest concern for your child. Maybe you’re upset that someone made a mean comment towards your child. But your child is more upset that their friend laughed at the mean comment instead of defending them.
Your solutions are how you would solve the issue if it was your problem. But your child needs a solution that makes sense to them. You may find this difficult if you feel you need to be in control of your child’s life. But you have to let go and let them take charge.
When your child is ready for help — and they’ll usually tell you this outright — then you can brainstorm together and present resources for them. This teaches them important problem solving skills, helps them feel more confident in their decisions, and gives them more control over their life.
Obviously if your child is in danger or is in an unsafe situation, you are responsible for fixing the problem. It is your role as a parent to keep your child safe and out of harm’s way. However, when sharing their struggles with school work or making friends, it’s your role as a parent to listen.
5: Shame
When we are shaming our children, or we feel shame ourselves, we are unable to listen to and connect with our children.
We all make mistakes. And that’s okay. However, it’s the narrative we tell ourselves about that mistake that can be harmful. Guilt tells us we did something wrong. Shame tells us we are wrong.
This harmful narrative that we tell ourselves — or that we tell our children when they make mistakes — prevents us from connecting with others. Shame narrows our perspective and clouds our judgment.
If you are feeling shame while listening to your child, don’t push it away or shove it down deep. Notice it and get curious. Ask, “Why do I feel this way? What is the narrative I am telling myself?” Then practice self-compassion. Use statements like, “It makes sense that I feel this way,” or “I made a mistake, but that doesn’t define who I am.”
If you are shaming your child, you’re definitely not listening to them. Practice empathy instead. Show compassion toward your child and their experiences. You’ll be better able to listen to them and learn about their perspectives.
6: Busy
When your child wants to talk to you, it’s not time to multi-task. Doing other things while your child is talking is not listening. Being distracted will either cause you to miss important details or frustrate your child and cause them to shut down.
If your child decides to start sharing while you are in the middle of a task you can’t stop, gently remind your child, “What you have to say is really important to me. Can we keep talking in 10 minutes after I finish this task?” Then set a timer and stick to it.
Conclusion
There are a lot of things that can stop you from being a good listener. But being aware of your personal roadblocks is the first step towards improvement.
The goal of listening to your child is to better understand their perspectives and unique experiences. But we need to get out of our own way in order to do this.
If you enjoyed this article by Brindisi Olsen Bravo, you might also be interested in these:
6 Life Skills Parents Need to Teach Their Children
