How Parents Can Validate Their Child’s Emotions
Validating your child’s emotions can lead to a healthy, happy life.
Validating your child’s emotions is very important. Emotions are a healthy part of being human. And managing them well leads to success later on in life.
But often our society shames or belittles people — especially children — for having emotions. Especially when those emotions are negative ones.
“Don’t be such a baby…”
“Boys don’t cry…”
“Are you on your period?”
“You’re being so dramatic…”
“I’ll give you something to cry about…”
But emotions help us navigate our world. Positive emotions tell us when our needs and goals are being met. Negative emotions tell us when our needs and goals are being threatened.
So it’s important to use our emotions to guide us through our life. And validating your child’s emotions helps them find healthy outlets to channel their feelings. Otherwise, them may turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms like substance abuse, promiscuity, self-harm, violence, binge eating, binge watching tv, or binge scrolling through social media.
If you want to help your child manage their emotions in healthy ways, start by validating how they feel.
1: Teach About Emotions
When our children are in the midst of an emotional storm, it is difficult to teach them about their emotions. Which is why the first step of validating your child’s feelings is to teach them about emotions when they are calm and comfortable.
For little kids, read them picture books about emotions. Below are some of my favorite books about emotions that my kids have loved:
Grumpy Monkey by Suzanne Lang and Max Lang
Giraffes Can’t Dance by Giles Andreae and Guy Parker-Rees
Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood: I’m Feeling Series by Natalie Shaw
I Feel… by DJ Corchin
When reading stories that aren’t specifically about emotions, ask your child questions like, “How do you think that made the duck feel?” or “How would you feel if that happened to you?”
You can use this same tactic when watching shows with kids of all ages. Pause the tv and ask about or point out a character’s feelings. This can lead to good teaching moments about emotions.
2: Use Validating Phrase
When your child is in the middle of some big emotions, validate what they are experiencing. Use phrases like:
“It makes sense that you’re angry.”
“Of courses you’re frustrated. I would be frustrated, too.”
“It’s okay to cry.”
“That must have been hard.”
This explicit validation gives your child permission to feel what they feel instead of hiding it our burying it deep inside. If your child feels like they need to hide their emotions, this can lead them to turn to the negative coping mechanisms we discussed above.
3: Don’t Get Angry About Their Feelings
Avoid getting angry or punishing your child for their emotions. Any negative or threatening comments about their emotions invalidates your child’s feelings.
If your child is displaying unacceptable behaviors, you can correct them without invalidating their feelings. To do so, use phrases such as:
“It’s okay to be frustrated. But it’s not okay to kick and scream on the floor.”
“You are allowed to feel how you feel. But you are not allowed to break our family rules.”
“It’s okay to be angry. It’s not okay to hurt someone.”
You are still their parent. So you do need to correct inappropriate behavior. However, simply having negative emotions is not inappropriate. So continue to validate how they feel while parenting their actions.
4: Avoid Looking On The Bright Side
Finding the silver lining is just another way to invalidate how your child feels. When your child is upset and you tell them to look on the bright side, you are asking them to “forget” or “ignore” their negative feelings.
And it makes sense why you would want them to look on the bright side. A little positivity can go a long way. And sitting with your child and their negative emotions is uncomfortable. So looking on the bright side and “lifting” the mood can be very tempting.
But it is your role as a parent to help them navigate all of their feelings. Even the negative ones.
Instead, use this opportunity to practice empathy.
In addition to using the validating phrases we discussed above, you can practice empathy for your child by sharing past experiences with them where you felt the same way. Not only will this normalize and validate their feelings, but your vulnerability will strengthen your relationship. Your child will trust you more and be willing to share more with you in the future.
5: Show Your Feelings
As parents, we often try to hide our negative feelings from our kids. But being vulnerable with your children gives them permission to be vulnerable with you. By showing your feelings, you are proving to them that you think it is okay to have all types of emotions. And that teaches your children that it’s okay for them to have emotions, too.
The best way to show your feelings can be to explicitly say them:
“That makes me sad.”
“I’m so disappointed.”
“I feel so angry.”
When I’ve done this with my toddlers, sometimes they give me a hug or tell me to take a deep breath. Showing my feelings gives my kids the opportunity to practice empathy. Which will help them create stronger and healthier relationships later in life.
But remember, being vulnerable with your children is not the same as taking your emotions out on them. You still need to regulate your emotions. Especially as a parent.
It’s also important to not reverse the parent-child role by expecting your child to regulate how you feel. You are still the authority figure and need to regulate your own emotions. Do not burden your child by unloading on them and forcing them to become your therapist. If your emotions are too overwhelming, seek professional help from a licensed therapist.
Conclusion: Validating Your Child’s Emotions Can Lead To A Healthy, Happy Life
Validating your child’s emotions promotes healthy emotional growth. Understanding that emotions are a natural part of life gives children the capacity to regulate them and channel them through healthy outlets. This emotional control is also called emotional intelligence. And studies have shown how high emotional intelligence helps children succeed in their relationships, academics, career, and more.
If you enjoyed this article by Brindisi Olsen Bravo, you might also be interested in these:
6 Life Skills Parents Need to Teach Their Children
