How to Actually Apologize
There’s more to an apology than just saying “sorry.”
One of the most important elements of maintaining healthy relationships is apologizing. We’re not perfect. We make mistakes, lose our patience, or say things we shouldn’t. But healthy relationship repair and conflict resolution requires apologizing.
And surprisingly, there’s a lot more to an apology than just saying “sorry.”
1: Recognize Your Mistake
We want to be right. Like, all the time. But part of being human is messing up. And healthy relationships require you to recognize your mistakes and weaknesses.
Recognizing your mistakes requires humility, empathy, and self-awareness.
First, you need to be humble enough to admit that you are capable of making mistakes. Even unintentionally.
Next, you need to have empathy towards the other person. What might they be feeling? What are they experiencing? How would you feel if the same thing happened to you? Did the same thing happened to you before? What did it feel like?
Lastly, you need to practice some self-awareness. Self-awareness allows us to make better decisions, communicate more effectively, tune into our creativity, and nurture our relationships. What were your motives behind what you did? What consequences did your actions have on those around you? What impact did you have?
If you’re struggling to recognize what you did, it’s okay to ask the other person how you might have hurt them.
2: Apologize Quickly
Apologize as soon as you recognize that you’ve hurt someone. The longer you wait to begin the relationship repair process, the more pain your loved one may experience.
This is especially true for children. As they sift through their emotions after an interaction, they try to attach meaning to it. But with their limited experience and understanding of the world, children often interpret negative experiences to mean that they are unworthy of love and belonging. These are painful narratives for children to be telling themselves. And the sooner you apologize, the quicker you can help them rewrite these stories.
Establish a practice of apologizing quickly. You’ll be able limit the negative effects of your mistakes and weaknesses.
3: Take Responsibility For Your Actions
When you apologize, you are taking responsibility for your actions. An apology is all about what you did. Not what someone else did. When forming your apology, take responsibility for your actions by including these four elements:
Be Specific: It’s important that you specify exactly what it is that you are apologizing for. Anyone can give a vague apology. But when you are specific, it shows the other person that you recognize what you did and that you are taking responsibility for it.
Don’t Justify: Your apology is not the time to make excuses. Hurting someone is never justified, even if you did it unintentionally. By attempting to justify your actions, you are trying to avoid taking responsibility for them.
No Blaming: Your apology is about what you did. Blaming the other person is not apologizing. Avoid using phrases like, “If you hadn’t…” or “If only you had…” or “It’s your fault that I…”
Explain Intentions: When apologizing, it’s okay to explain your intentions. Maybe you were angry because you were worried about the other person’s safety. Maybe you were disappointed in something they did. Explaining your intentions can give the other person more context about your decisions and feelings towards the other person. But again, having good intentions does not justify your mistakes or eliminate your need to take responsibility for them.
4: Work On Your Weakness
Making mistakes is part of being human. But so is growing and improving. You begin putting your apology to the test as you try to improve your weaknesses. Maybe this time you call before showing up late. Or you actually arrive on time.
You don’t have to be perfect the next time around. But you do need to be putting in the effort to improve.
Conclusion: It’s All About You
An apology is your attempt to repair a relationship. You need to recognize what you did that hurt the other person and try to apologize quickly. Your apology should be specific and focused on your actions. Avoid blaming the other person or justifying the damage you caused.
Apologies can be difficult at times. But they are important for nurturing and maintaining relationships.
If you enjoyed this article by Brindisi Olsen Bravo, you might also be interested in these:
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