4 Foundational Principles For a Healthy Relationship

There is more to attraction than you might think.

Photo by Scott Broome on Unsplash

Ditch the Checklists

Growing up, I often sat through lessons in church about marriage. But there wasn’t much relationship advice here. Instead, we were encouraged to seek a “holy marriage” and marry someone who shared our religious beliefs. But this wasn’t unique to my religion. Most churches encourage their congregations to do the same.

Four Pillars of Attraction

Then I came across Viren Swami’s Four Pillars of Attraction while watching a documentary. This concept really blew my mind. I looked back on my failed relationships. I was able to understand them better. And see where my checklists had failed me.

Forcing Attraction

Another problem is forcing a pillar of attraction. This happens when we are desperate to save (or start) a relationship, but some of the pillars are missing. We find ways to manipulate our lives to create false pillars. But this type of relationship acrobatics is usually one-sided. And it is not a stable pillar to build a relationship on.

Evaluating Your Relationship

The four pillars of attraction are also a good tool to use to evaluate your relationships. You should consistently check in with yourself and ask if this relationship is good for you. Are you happy? Are you fulfilled? Does your partner provide the support you need?

When Pillars Crumble

If pillars crumble due to neglect, you can attempt to repair your attraction pillars. Work with a therapist and consider the steps listed above to nurture your pillars. But there may come a point when you can no longer fix your pillars of attraction.


If you want to create a healthy relationship, consider the four pillars of attraction. How are they working in your relationship? Are all the pillars strong? Are some crumbling or completely absent?

Navigating adult life and writing about what I learn. My focuses are personal development, relationships, parenting, and writing.

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